Grammar Lessons from the Future English Teacher: Installment 4

Today's lesson will be a quick one: direct address. If you are directly addressing someone/something, this means that you are talking to him/her/them/it. If you are writing or typing your direct address, you need to use at least one comma.

Example:

Did you hear me, Watson?

Easy. Now, if your address is in the middle of a sentence, there needs to be a comma before AND after the name.

Example:

What I said, Watson, was to stop eating all of my cheese.

Also easy. If your address is at the beginning of the sentence, the comma goes after.

Example:

Watson, please buy me some more cheese.

EASY. Please use commas.

Grammar Lessons from the Future English Teacher: Installment 3

Today's lesson will be: The Correct Use of "I" and "Me."


Contrary to popular belief, you DO NOT ALWAYS USE "I." THIS IS VITAL, PEOPLE. PAY ATTENTION.



This sentence is correct: Lexie and I are going to the moon.

The reason this sentence is correct is because Lexie and I are the subjects. However, if we were the objects, YOU CAN'T USE "I."

This sentence is incorrect: The goat kicked Lexie and I.

NO NO NO NO NO. It's easier to see if we remove Lexie: The goat kicked I. Would you ever say that? No. No you wouldn't. You would say, "the goat kicked me." So don't say I if you're the object of the sentence. If you do, I will kill you. I will. Don't think that I won't. I'll come after you.

This sentence is correct: The goat kicked Lexie and me.

A special reminder for my Facebook friends aka the largest known source of incorrect grammar: If you are captioning a picture, DO NOT say "this is so-and-so and I." That is WRONG. Say instead "this is so-and-so and ME." Ok? Ok.

***So remember, if you are ever in doubt, just remove the other person and figure out what you would say if you were only talking about yourself. It's not difficult. I know you can do it. I have faith in all of you.***

Grammar Lessons from the Future English Teacher: Installment 2

First thing.

To everyone who shows up on my Facebook newsfeed: STOP USING "YOUR" WHEN YOU SHOULD BE USING "YOU'RE," AND STOP USING APOSTROPHES FOR PLURALS. YOU ARE IN COLLEGE, PEOPLE. MOST OF YOU HAVE GRADUATED. JESUS CHRIST.

Now, that's out of the way. If you missed the first lesson, never fear. Here it is: Clicky click.

Due to popular demand, I'm going to make a whole post about homophones. For those of you who missed this day in FIRST GRADE, homophones are words that sound alike but are spelled differently. I know, really confusing.

Here is a very helpful website, if you're having trouble with confusing words (not all are homophones - Thanks, Sharon):

http://homepage.smc.edu/reading_lab/words_commonly_confused.htm

There are a ton, but I'm going to focus on some that I feel are the most common. Let's revisit the most annoying ones (to me) first, because somehow people are still making mistakes after my first post. I mean obviously everyone read it, so I don't know what's going on.

your vs. you're

Once again, "your" signifies possession. Example: That is YOUR bad.

"You're" means "you are." The apostrophe is REPLACING THE 'A.' Example: YOU'RE a d-bag.

I don't know how to make that one much clearer.

Another that I've already addressed but needs to be mentioned...


it's vs. its

It's = IT IS. Use "its" when talking about something inanimate possessing something else.

Example: IT'S really sad that the food has lost ITS flavor.

I know this one is really super hard because "its" is possessive and omg there is no apostrophe, but GET OVER IT AND REMEMBER IT.

Now, the one that everyone couldn't believe wasn't in the first post...


they're, their, there

Oh shit, now there are three choices. What do we do? We take a breath and think about it for a millisecond before we write it.

"They're" means "they are."

"Their" means relating to them (adj).

"There" means "in that matter, respect, or relation" (adv).

Example: THEY'RE getting more food for THEIR platypus over THERE in the pond.

accept vs. except

"Accept" is a verb that means "to receive willingly."

"Except" is a preposition that means "but" or "with the exception of."

Example: I ACCEPT all of your flaws, EXCEPT the fact that you have poor grammar.

than vs. then

Technically not homophones, but they might as well be with the way we speak in the US. No one knows how to use them correctly anyway.

"Than" is used to indicate difference (conj).

"Then" means next or consequently (adv).

Example: I use correct grammar more often THAN you do; I am going to make a post about it, and THEN I expect you to try harder.

whose vs. who's

Whose means "of or relating to whom or which esp. as possessor or possessors" (adj).

Who's is a contraction of who and is.

Example: WHOSE clothes are these? They belong to that guy WHO'S skinny dipping. Let's hide them.

Okay so these are the ones that everyone usually screws up. Let me know if you think of any more good ones, and I'll add them.

Please please please visit this website, and make sure you understand all of the words on it.

Grammar Lessons from the Future English Teacher: Installment 1

Okay. I know that most of you who read my blog don't need this little reminder. However, on the off-chance that someone is perusing the internet and happens to find themselves here, I need to get some things off my chest. I find it astounding how many people, especially people who have graduated from college, have no concept of a few basic grammar rules. If you are a native English speaker, you have no excuse for not speaking and writing correctly. Please pay attention.

My personal pet peeve: misused apostrophes

Apostrophes are used to signify possession (and missing letters in contractions). For example, "This is Vanessa's pet peeve." "Rock 'n' roll, dude!" (Both the 'a' and the 'd' are missing, so put a freakin' apostrophe where they should be).

Apostrophes are NOT used when a word is plural. For example, you would NOT USE AN APOSTROPHE in this sentence: "Jeez, Vanessa has a lot of pet peeve's." Wrong. That is so wrong that it makes my retinas burn. The correct sentence is "Jeez, Vanessa has a lot of pet peeves."

In a subcategory of this one, if you are signifying a plural possessive with a plural word that ends in an 's,' you place an apostrophe after the 's' but DO NOT FOLLOW IT WITH ANOTHER 'S.' For example:

"Whose eggplants are those?"
"Those are the girls' eggplants."

DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES SAY: "Those are the girls's eggplants."

The ONLY time you would have a word that ends in 's' followed by an apostrophe and another 's' is if the word is NOT plural. Example: "No, that is James's eggplant."

It's v. its: "It's" literally means "it is." If you don't mean to say "it is," DO NOT USE "it's." Examples: "It's really annoying that people don't understand this." When talking about an inanimate object owning something, use "its." Example: "That painting has lost its color."

When talking about a family and pluralizing their last name, DO NOT USE AN APOSTROPHE. For example: "The Coopers are coming to get you." WRONG VERSION: "The Cooper's are coming to get you."

On this note, if a last name ends with an 's' or a 'z', you pluralize it with 'es.' Example: "the Joneses" or "the Sanchezes."

So let's not get apostrophe happy, okay? Okay.

The most common: your v. you're

"Your" signifies that you OWN SOMETHING. For example: "Your grammar skills are terrible."

The contraction "you're" literally means "you are." So. If you mean to say "you are," you had better use this or I will come rip out your uvula. Got it? Example: "You're in need of a grammar lesson." This goes along with the whole apostrophes replace absent letters thing. The 'a' in 'you are' is missing, and therefore it is replaced with an apostrophe.

Are you still with me?

Moving on.

A lot

"A lot" is two words. Period. "Alot" is not a word, so don't ever write it. Ever.

To v. too

"To" is a preposition. Example: "We are going to the park."

"Too" is an adverb. Please use it as such. "That chinchilla is too expensive." "Too" is also used to say "in addition." Example: "We need to buy a sugar glider, too."

Well v. Good

If someone asks you how you are, the correct response is "I'm well, thanks." NOT "I'm good, thanks."

You do things well. Things go well.

That song is good; you sang it well. This meal is good; it is well-made.





I could get into a whole list of other things that people write incorrectly, but we'd be here all day. So. Please bookmark this entry. Come back to it. Reread it. And for the love of GOD, if you don't know how to spell something, please look it up. Google is at your disposal.

I'm sure I will have another installment of grammar lessons. I'm thinking comma usage needs to be next. Stay tuned.